Theory number 2. I find the people who have the hardest time understanding grief and anger over losing a loved one are those that believe in an after life. Essentially their words come across as, “What’s the issue? It will all work out in the end. Just endure to the end”.
The problem with this is the people promoting this belief usually don’t understand the depth of loss. As C.S. Lewis described it in “A Grief Observed”, “The death of a beloved is an amputation…After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce continuous pain will never stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooded leg. He has “got over it”. But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too.”
One will never be the same after loss. The wound is too deep. Life has changed. Things will never go back to what they once were. And not because of lack of desire. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time.
Just like Christ spoke in parables, I’d like to speak in parables regarding life after loss and believing in an afterlife.
There was a certain employer who hired a team of laborers to work for a daily wage and a sizable 401K. The laborers worked side by side each day receiving a wage at the end of the day. All were happy and rejoiced in the generosity of the employer.
One day the employer decided to ask one of the laborer to work for free with the promise that they would still get the sizable 401K. No explanation was given for why the wage would be withheld. It only came with the promise, “It’s all part of the plan. Endure to the end.”
The laborer went back to work, trusting what the employer had said. Days, weeks and months past. The laborer continued to work day in and day out but at the end of the day they were sent home empty handed while the others collected pay. Eventually the laborer began to question the other laborers, “What did I do wrong? Why do I not get a daily wage? Am I not worthy of a wage?” The other laborers, with a tone of surprises that the laborer would even question the employers decision, responded, “Just think about the 401K. You’ll get paid. It’s there. Don’t worry.”
But worry they did. As months past the laborer expressed to the employer concerns over finances. One can not work for a 401K alone. The employer either need to pay or the employer would have to find work elsewhere. The 401K sounded wonderful and was much desired but the immediate need was much too great. Something had to give. Still the employer insisted, “Endure to the end”.
Surrounded by people who could maintain their life and with little understanding for the lone free laborer, they quit. The employer had asked too much. Those with their needs covered and the employer with a beautiful promise had forgotten about the need for survival. The laborer had run out of options.
“You know how sometimes you tell yourself that you have a choice, but really you don’t have a choice? Just because there are alternatives doesn’t mean they apply to you.”
“You don’t ask people with knives in their stomach what would make them happy; happiness is no longer the point. It’s all about survival; it’s all about whether you pull the knife out and bleed to death or keep it in…”
Demotivational Speeches 