Many people have told me they didn’t get it until they GOT IT. Meaning you don’t really know the depth of sorrow over losing a loved one until it hits close to home. Most deaths are hard. Whether they are old or young, sick or unexpectedly, a death is a death. Grief is real and can make life tricky to manuever. But when a death is so close that it changes the way you operate on a daily basis, its life crippling.

For me this type of loss is like being emotionally and spiritually raped. When I compare loss to rape it can be startling. Rape is often a taboo subject. But one thing is for sure, rape survivors are victims. They have been violated. They have been betrayed. They feel like they did something wrong and live with so many regrets, “What if I would have …?” “Why didn’t I…?”

In so many ways surviving spouses, children, parents, partners or anyone else who has deeply loved and lost can relate. I speak specifically in the case of sudden death, because that’s what I know. To have a loved one ripped from your arms, you feel violated. You feel like you did something wrong. You feel ashamed. You feel lesser of a person. You continually think about what life should be and mourn the life you will never have. You live in the wake of someone else’s choice. 

I make this comparison because people often don’t know what to say to someone grappling with death. I think the rules for rape also apply to death. Don’t make them feel ashamed. I’m amazing by the things I’ve heard to “comfort me”. I would hope the same wouldn’t be said to a rape victim. Would you tell a sexual assault survivor, “It’s all part of God’s Plan” or “You chose this path before we came to earth”? Can you imagine telling them, “Something great will come of this!” or “You’re going to learn so much!” or “It could be worse”?

The best thing to say to someone who’s lost a loved one is the same thing you should say to a sexual assault victim. A simple, “I am so sorry”, “I can’t imagine what you are going through”, and “I’m here for you”. We know you can’t fix things or make things better but sympathy, and more importantly empathy, go a long way.