Hey there! It’s been a while but I’m back! Now that Z is in school I find I have time to process some of the things that have gone on over the last 5ish years. I didn’t realize how much being a solo parent has demanded of me until I’ve had a second to come up for air. I will refer to my situation as solo parenting, parenting without another parent, because it’s different from single parenting. When you lose a spouse you lose a parent and a partner, there is no second voice. No person to tap in. It’s all on you. Of course I’ve had a wonderful support system and I don’t mean I’ve done it all on my own. But the hard decisions, the tantrums, the late nights, the sick days, there is no reprieve. At times I have been envious of divorce situations because with joint custody you get some “me time”. I do know, that I don’t know, that divorce situations also have issues I don’t have to deal with (like differences of options). But we as humans tend to envy what we don’t have and my envy was with having someone to tag in.

Since my last writing, I have remarried. I never thought this was in the cards for me. I was prepared to raise Z on my own and had no desire to actively find a partner. There are certainly perks with being single and alone. I enjoyed not being accountable to another person and deciding how and in what way I spent my time. It took me a while of being in a new partnership to realize the benefits of having another person in my life. One of those main benefits, that I did not account for, was having a father for Z. I am amazing at how much she loves having S as an additional support system. She has learned so much from him, things that I couldn’t offer because honestly I am so damaged. Things like the importance of comfort when you are down or encouragement and excitement when you do something great. I was living in this vanilla space where as long as things weren’t good they also weren’t bad. Like coasting in neutral. I was moving, I didn’t really care how fast I was going or where I was going as long as I was going. It’s hard moving forward and leaving the past behind. Some times movement, even the littlest of movement, needs to be acknowledged.

In my time of processing I’ve realized a lot of things and I hope to be able to express myself adequately. I have gone to therapy over the years and had some really good insight into what has happened in my life and why I think and feel the way I do. I’ve also realized that no one gets through life unscathed. There is no way to go through life without a few bumps and bruises and most of us will experience some major life changing battle wounds. My new train of thought is that it’s important to feel the way we feel. Feelings are good. Good feelings are good but bad feelings are also good. I was raised a “stuffer”. If I felt a feeling well up inside I tended to suppress it. To compound that I am a people pleaser. So instead of getting mad or frustrated I got quiet. I absorbed the grenade instead of letting the blast go off because I feared the repercussions of the blast. For example, when I was a kid I was picked on ruthlessly by my older siblings. I took the teasing and the mockery but instead of getting mad and fighting back I internalized it and assumed I was being made fun of because I deserved the mockery, “They are right, I am dumb.” In addition I didn’t tell my parents because I didn’t want my siblings to get in trouble and further the persecution. I learned to be strong and I prided myself on being resilient to the point of unbreakable…

Until I finally broke.

Let me circle back to the point I’m trying to get at because I’m getting a little off topic. The point is I had learned to not say how I feel and I’m coming to realize that how I feel is valid and it’s not bad to feel the feelings. The truth is my experience with the accident has led me to not trust and I didn’t trust before. I was never a trusting person and I finally met and married a man that taught me it was okay to trust. It took years to build this trust, it didn’t happen overnight but it did get lost overnight. The person I trusted the most betrayed my trust and took from me what I loved the most all in the blink of a moment. Let that sink in…

The person I trusted most

Took what I loved the most

In an instant

It’s taken me a long time to verbally express how I feel. IE I feel betrayed. The truth is a lot of people love R, I love R, and I don’t want to diminish his legacy. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead and I don’t want people to think I don’t have forgiveness in my heart. On the flip side, I also have a right to feel betrayed.

It’s easy to understand betrayal or at least sympathize with a person who has been betrayed in a traditional way, like adultery. It’s wrong. Period. No one deserves to be deceived and have their life script flipped without their consent or knowledge. Betrayal is much harder to understand when it’s demeaned an “accident”. But both types of betrayal are rooted in the same principle: a lapse in judgement…traditionally over time.

There is also another key component to betrayal and I think it’s starts with the perpetrator’s betrayal of themself. Betrayal is usually seeded in self deception. In the case of R, he was raised in a home that fostered self deception. He was taught from a young age that, “what mom doesn’t know won’t hurt her”. He was taught that some rules don’t apply. He was taught narrative that takes away from self regulation and a narrative that I have more control than I actually do. What goes up must come down, whether you believe it or not. Rules are rules and eventually rules catch up with you. R had pushed the rules so may times and learned to deceive himself far too often to the point that he eventually had so many lapses in judgement that they caught up with him. Isn’t that the case with most self deception? He had several near death experiences and we had many many talks about how it would catch up to him and it did. He had a choice. He chose to believe his internal false narrative. Choices have consequences. Someone has to pay the price for consequences and that’s not always/only the one making the decision.

It’s been said, “Dying is easy, living is harder”. Preach Lin-Manuel Miranda. I’m trying to write the rest of my story. At the end of R’s story people tried to dictate the narrative. Tried to brush this off as some bigger plan. That divinity had a hand in this decision. These words I assume brought a sense of comfort to them. But these words have been extremely hurtful. Without saying it, people have implied that I have no right to be angry or feel betrayed. R has been cast as the hero and me the villain because my response hasn’t been what people have wanted.

It wasn’t until years after the accident that I was able to read the NTSB report and see the words “pilot error” that I finally felt some sort of validation. I hated that he was a pilot. I was never comfortable with him flying and stopping short of telling him he couldn’t do it we set clear boundaries and rules for when and where he could fly. Over the years he would tell me that plane accidents aren’t that common and when they happen it’s almost always pilot error. Then he would assure me he would never, ever put himself or our kids in a bad situation. That promise was broken. My trust had been violated. I wasn’t the villain. I am an individual trying my best to survive. My life didn’t need to be this way. I didn’t need to bring a new baby into this world without a father and without her siblings. We didn’t need to live with this pain. The pilot, he did this, he did this to us. No amount of external justification can take this away. Cause of death: PILOT ERROR. There’s the self deception. There’s the betrayal.

I’ve had to distance myself from people over the years that have continued the dialogue “this is all part of God’s plan”. People who I assume mean well but have no understanding. This again is dialogue based on self deception. People want to believe, “this can’t happen to them”. No one is except for making mistakes and some mistakes are very costly. I’ve learned that some mistakes can’t be made. And some mistakes leave very deep scars.

I believe that R isn’t in heaven living some paradise. He is in his own emotional prison. I think he pays for his choices as much I do. He sees my pain and Z’s pain and I think he cries all the tears we cry. He knows we are here because of him and our sorrows lie squarely on his shoulders. Most of all, he can’t possible be in paradise without a care or worry because isn’t here to see Z grow and become the amazing kid that she is. At the end of the day I’m here because she’s here and she is the miracle. Somehow I’ve been able to reconstruct a beautiful new life filled with happiness but is still sprinkled with grief. There is room for all the feelings.

Many people have told me they didn’t get it until they GOT IT. Meaning you don’t really know the depth of sorrow over losing a loved one until it hits close to home. Most deaths are hard. Whether they are old or young, sick or unexpectedly, a death is a death. Grief is real and can make life tricky to manuever. But when a death is so close that it changes the way you operate on a daily basis, its life crippling.

For me this type of loss is like being emotionally and spiritually raped. When I compare loss to rape it can be startling. Rape is often a taboo subject. But one thing is for sure, rape survivors are victims. They have been violated. They have been betrayed. They feel like they did something wrong and live with so many regrets, “What if I would have …?” “Why didn’t I…?”

In so many ways surviving spouses, children, parents, partners or anyone else who has deeply loved and lost can relate. I speak specifically in the case of sudden death, because that’s what I know. To have a loved one ripped from your arms, you feel violated. You feel like you did something wrong. You feel ashamed. You feel lesser of a person. You continually think about what life should be and mourn the life you will never have. You live in the wake of someone else’s choice. 

I make this comparison because people often don’t know what to say to someone grappling with death. I think the rules for rape also apply to death. Don’t make them feel ashamed. I’m amazing by the things I’ve heard to “comfort me”. I would hope the same wouldn’t be said to a rape victim. Would you tell a sexual assault survivor, “It’s all part of God’s Plan” or “You chose this path before we came to earth”? Can you imagine telling them, “Something great will come of this!” or “You’re going to learn so much!” or “It could be worse”?

The best thing to say to someone who’s lost a loved one is the same thing you should say to a sexual assault victim. A simple, “I am so sorry”, “I can’t imagine what you are going through”, and “I’m here for you”. We know you can’t fix things or make things better but sympathy, and more importantly empathy, go a long way.

Theory number 2. I find the people who have the hardest time understanding grief and anger over losing a loved one are those that believe in an after life. Essentially their words come across as, “What’s the issue? It will all work out in the end. Just endure to the end”.

The problem with this is the people promoting this belief usually don’t understand the depth of loss. As C.S. Lewis described it in “A Grief Observed”, “The death of a beloved is an amputation…After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce continuous pain will never stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooded leg. He has “got over it”. But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too.”

One will never be the same after loss. The wound is too deep. Life has changed. Things will never go back to what they once were. And not because of lack of desire. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time.

Just like Christ spoke in parables, I’d like to speak in parables regarding life after loss and believing in an afterlife.

There was a certain employer who hired a team of laborers to work for a daily wage and a sizable 401K. The laborers worked side by side each day receiving a wage at the end of the day. All were happy and rejoiced in the generosity of the employer.

One day the employer decided to ask one of the laborer to work for free with the promise that they would still get the sizable 401K.  No explanation was given for why the wage would be withheld. It only came with the promise, “It’s all part of the plan. Endure to the end.”

The laborer went back to work, trusting what the employer had said. Days, weeks and months past. The laborer continued to work day in and day out but at the end of the day they were sent home empty handed while the others collected pay. Eventually the laborer began to question the other laborers, “What did I do wrong? Why do I not get a daily wage? Am I not worthy of a wage?” The other laborers, with a tone of surprises that the laborer would even question the employers decision, responded, “Just think about the 401K. You’ll get paid. It’s there. Don’t worry.”

But worry they did. As months past the laborer expressed to the employer concerns over finances. One can not work for a 401K alone. The employer either need to pay or the employer would have to find work elsewhere. The 401K sounded wonderful and was much desired but the immediate need was much too great. Something had to give. Still the employer insisted, “Endure to the end”.

Surrounded by people who could maintain their life and with little understanding for the lone free laborer, they quit. The employer had asked too much. Those with their needs covered and the employer with a beautiful promise had forgotten about the need for survival. The laborer had run out of options.

“You know how sometimes you tell yourself that you have a choice, but really you don’t have a choice? Just because there are alternatives doesn’t mean they apply to you.”

“You don’t ask people with knives in their stomach what would make them happy; happiness is no longer the point. It’s all about survival; it’s all about whether you pull the knife out and bleed to death or keep it in…”

 

I realize it’s been quite some time since we spoke last. I haven’t forgotten about you, but I did forget the password to my laptop so that caused a little barrier to entry. Nevertheless I’m back at it. HOORAY!

I’ve got a few new theories. The first…how to solve any problem. Yes, folks I have the answer. Sup at my feet.

People are constantly griping about life. Marital issues. Financial strains. Job stresses. Menstrual cramps. A cold. A fever. A dead dog. Life is so very complicated and frankly life sucks. But I’ve got a solution for you. It’s the end all, be all for life’s biggest problem. The answer…get bigger problems!!! You get bigger problems AND you get BIGGER problems!! EVERYONE GET BIGGER PROBLEMS! Nothing helps you get over a nasty bout of food poisoning than finding your spouse is wanted for murder. Simple. Done.

No more worrying about the wilted lettuce salad you ate from Jimmy Johns @ a pitstop in Victorville. You may never be able to eat again.

You’re welcome!!!

 

Maybe I’m going out on a limb here but I feel people wonder about my relationship with God. We had a 37 year relationship and there were a lot of commitments and promises made over those years. We had some good times and we had our difficult times. In 2017 our relationship got tested to the point of no repair. Do I wish ill of the other party? No. Will I ever trust the other party? Probably not.

Recently a friend offered to take Z to church and I had a whole bunch of thoughts….mainly (1) What will her relationship be with God? (2) How do I explain to her my relationship with Him?

Relationship status: “Its complicated”?

It hit me today that there is a simple explanation for our relationship. We’re divorced. Like all marriages, we made promises when we started our relationship and I feel He didn’t follow through on His promises so I asked for a divorce. We filed it under “Irreconcilable differences” if you will. Here is our joint statement:

“After 37 years, we have decided to go our separate ways. We will always have tremendous respect for one another and Z will remain our top priority. We ask for your privacy a this time.”

As I imagine with a divorce it will be tricky maneuvering the years ahead of us. As you know, splitting of assets was painful. Despite the fact that He took almost everything, I feel Z should have a relationship with Him and decide for herself what she’d like the future of her relationship to be. Also, I know the other party still maintains close relationships with my friends and family so it gets complicated. It’s hard hearing what a great guy the other party is when He wasn’t there for you. I want to be supporting of these other relationships but it’s hard to put my personal bias aside and be happy that He’s great to everyone else. I will do my best to respect your relationship with Him. Please also do the same.

I started my own church. Was that too forward?

It’s call “hot tub church”. It’s exactly what you think it is. Hot tubbing. On Sunday. Church starts at 10am because it’s the golden hour, Not too early. Not too late. We have a BYOR policy (bring your own raft). Why would you need a raft? Thanks for asking…because we float on the rafts in the hot tub and it’s amazing!

To make it official, I bought the domain hottubchurch.org. .org because this is my “give back” project. If you aren’t aware I’ve started a list of various fake businesses and it’s time I do something for the community. One of my fake businesses is a race from South Jordan to Provo (SoJoToPro – yes, I also bought this domain and a website is in the making). The only issue is I don’t know if there is a way to bike from South Jordan to Provo via trails…so for now I’m calling the race “SoJoDontKnow” because in the two attempts to ride the course I’ve made it to American Fork via Saratoga Springs and Lehi. The time I ended up in Lehi was a bit of a disaster. My friend and race co-founder, Christy and I, had to bail because she got a flat and yada yada we had to take Front Runner home. After spending an hour talking to some crazy lady we got on the train with 16 missionaries heading to the airport. They said they were on their way to the Philippines. They of course were super anxious to break out their mad MTC contacting skills. I told them I was a member BUT also (drum roll) … then I proceeded to give them a first discussion on hot tub church. So now I’ve got a pretty good investigator pool. Sorry, not pool. Tub. (Hot Tub church humor).

When I feel like all hope is lost, there is something about a new baby that keeps the hope burning. Where did you come from? How much do you know?

Ms. Z is the one person who shares my story. She is the only other person that will have to live day to day life without our people. Although we should be on the same path, our lives are so different. She isn’t jaded by the world. She has yet to experience heartache and sorrow Because of this she brings the hope I need. She looks at me and lacks the understanding of sadness I feel. All she knows to do is love pure and simple. I am the center of her universe. She sees nothing wrong with me. I am not broken in her eyes. I am the strongest, most powerful person. I gave her life and I have and will do anything for her. I hope that throughout her life I will be able to continue to see the love she has for me in her eyes. I imagine her love for me is equivalent to the love I have for her. I want to make her proud. I want her to live a full, happy life. I want to be her hero as she is already mine.

Someone sent me an article about grief with this quote in it.

This hurts. It’s hard trying to wrap my head around why God let’s horrible things happen. Is good not good enough? Why do good people need to be made great? Why aren’t trials and hardships given to make bad people good?

I can’t believe he allows bad things to happen to good people. I have to believe that he doesn’t have the power to stop bad things from happening. I have to hope he can do something after the fact to make it survivable. Only time can tell.